Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
