I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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