You work out of a Hotel?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
