then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
