He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
