yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
