I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think I sprained my soul last night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
