I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
