I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
