So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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