Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize