textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
