I just pynch a tree in the face
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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