Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
