i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
