I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
