OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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