I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
