He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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