Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
