I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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