I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
