She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
