I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
