Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
