I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
