I could make wine with my vomit
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
