how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
