i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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