i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
