put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
