i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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