At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize