theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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