i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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