Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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