I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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