can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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