hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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