onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize