found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
