Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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