If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
