Umm I'm too high to move.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
