So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
