just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
