Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
