Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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