we have pet lesbian snakes
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
