my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
