4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Green mimosas i think yes
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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