So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
