I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
