He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
