i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
