Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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