I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
