Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
