Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
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