I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
