When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
