I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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