i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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