Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
