I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
